The Pain I Feel
by Bunnyhugger315
Summary: The life of South Korea Warning! Dark topic. Talks about rape, depression and cutting. Warning! First time writer so it may not be very good. I hope you enjoy and review to help me get better. Btw I guess it is sort of family-ish M for later chapter.
1. Chapter 1

A/N This is my first story so I hope you enjoy. Beware a dark story with the issue of rape, depression, and cutting. BTW I may portray Japan as a really bad person, do not take this to heart. This is only a story. I might continue or make a collection of stories.

Disclaimer-I do not own Hetalia but I do own my idea (I think)

* * *

Dear Diary,

I hate looking in the mirror and seeing that mask I plaster on. The mask that no one seems to know of. Whenever people look at me they look at me with annoyance and disgust. I can see and hear every perfectly well, they seem to forget that. I hear their words of anger and disgust towards me and it hurts. I only want to be loved, is that too much to ask for? I try so hard to be great, to be noticed but I am only a nuisance in their eyes. Sometimes I feel this pain inside my heart and unconsciously claw at my chest until it bleeds. I want to rip out my heart to not feel the pain anymore. I remember everything of the past. I was their bitch to their beckon and call. I hate myself for being so useless, vulnerable, and dirty.

I remember WWII when Japan used me and controlled me (1). How he tortured me and my people. Whenever I closed my eyes I remember when he striped me of my pride and broke me down. I hear the screaming and the crying repeating in my head. I watched as the men raped a girl no older than 14-15 and couldn't do a thing (2). Every time I close my eyes the past haunts me.

When I was liberated I was so happy, Hyung and I were free But our troubles were far from over. Russia came to visit and Hyung changed (3). He became more cruel and demanding. He had dark thoughts of revenge when I wanted to take no part in it. He hurt me when I questioned his visits to Russia. His eyes were the exact same as Japans when he... (4) he... He fought against me in war (5). America, he was so kind and took care of me. I grew to care for him. His kindness, his looks, his touch drove me wild. However, in the end I was once again betrayed when he left me and helped Japan after Japan had... me.

China was one I also loved. His beauty, wisdom, and kindness. I didn't care if he loved me like a brother, as long as he loved me I could live. In the war (5) he joined my brother and fought against me. I was shocked and couldn't bring myself to hurt him so our forces retreated back. I tried to ask him why but he merely shot me in the shoulder. I learned to forgive him though, but to him it is like it never happened. He criticizes me and compares to Japan. I love China and has been loyal to him yet he only cares for Japan when he hurt China (6).

Just for China and America I try to change doing anything for their attention and love. Every insult is like a poisoned dagger to the heart so I try to change just for them, just so they love me. Why? Why don't they love me? I do everything for them but I am merely a bother.

I can't deal with all the pain and ridicule. Everyone loves a take a jab at me and it hurts. I feel like a failure, I can never be up to their expectations so I punish myself For being so stupid. Sometimes I bash my head in the wall repeatedly for being stupid, sometimes I pull my hair for being so ugly. I claw at parts of my body in hope to rip off this flesh and become the one that they desire. My best friend became my blade. He never betrayed me, he never judged me. He loved me for who I was and gave me the love and attention I craved. He never left me and was there when I needed sweet release.

I want to be free from this pain. I wish I wasn't a nation forced to smile for the people, forced to be a puppet and live through the pain. I never die but I don't live either. My soul is dead covered up by a mask of fake happiness and joy. My mask grew on to my face, I couldn't stop smiling even through the pain. I don't even know what real emotions are anymore.

As I run the blade down my arm, I wish to be free from these chains. Until then, I will await death with open arms.

~ Im Yong Soo -South Korea

* * *

A/N Sorry if it is not so great I just came up with it and went with the flow. Please leave reviews on my work to help me get better as a writer.

Below are the things I noted in the story explained.

1. Japanese Occupation of Korea.

2. During the occupation the women were used as 'stress relievers' for the soldiers and emperor (of Japan).

3. Russia helped the northern part of korea in The Korean War (also called The Forgotten War)(It was after Korea was liberated). North Korea was led to believe in Communism while South Korea was influenced by America to believe in the opposite. This was a part of the Cold War, the separation between Korea is the only war from the Cold War still going on now. Both Korea's did not end the war but did put it on hold. Hyung is Korean for older brother and is considered one of his fan made names (Hyung Soo Im) or in Asia (Im Hyung Soo) In Asia last names are first.

4. This is just really rape. I didn't want to put it in there so I made it seem like Korea did not want to remember those dark times.

5. The Korean War (between North and South).

6. The rape of Nanking (WWII) and in Hetalia, Japan literally backstabbed China so now he has a long scar on his back.


	2. Chapter 2

A/N This is M. This is what happens when I watch or read and listen to depressing and creepy things all day. JUST BEWARE REALLY WRONG IN MANY PARTS. This is sort of a continuation of the first chapter.

Thank you beikanlover for reviewing and my first follower this is late I had a lot of school work and couldn't get on ff for some time.

Disclaimer: I do not own Hetalia but I own my idea (partially)

* * *

Dear Diary,

I can not sleep, I can never sleep. The fear of seeing those images running through my head over and over again drive me crazy. I don't wanna close my eyes if I do, I remember. I try not to remember, I try to forget so I could be safe. I could go back to a time of peace when I never knew about rape or war. The times when I played with China, Japan, and the other, how much fun I had. Now I stay awake unable to close my eyes. These nightmares I don't want to experience I lock away with my feelings and love covered up by a beautiful mask of innocence and ignorance. Honestly I can't tell the difference between the two.

No one understood me, my pain, and my feelings. I feel like dying sometimes. I get so angry at nothing a lot and I can't help it. I get so angry I scream and I cry and I break everything in my path over nothing. These days my head hurts so much, so much pounding and screaming echoing on and on. I can't focus my mind hallucinates all the time, I can't tell what is real what is not.

_It was a rainy day, so dark and grey. It was barren land only dirt surrounding me. I got up from the ground, blood...it was everywhere. The ground only had bodies and blood all over. 'Who? Who could have done this.' I fell to my knees horrified, all the nations were cut open, guts spewed, their faces twisted with horror. 'Where, where was China? Where was America?' I quickly got up and looked for them. With every step I took, the more I could see a figure in the distance. I ran foward in hope to find out who did this. The image I saw scarred me. It was Kiku. He wasn't the one who killed everyone I knew that. He was bleeding heavily and I watched as he tried to stop his guts from spilling out . I wanted to help him but I wanted to watch him suffer like he did with me. I walked closer not caring about all the blood staining my clothing or the mutated charred corpses in my way. His eyes met mine, mine narrowed on confusion as his widened in shock. My eyes took in everything about him. His legs were bent in a odd way, one burned beyond recognition. He was close to being naked so I saw every wound. He tried to back away as I drew closer, why? I looked behind me and I saw a woman, around 30 crying. She looked at me her eyes widening just standing there. I looked back at Japan, "Whats the matter?" I asked him coming closer and closer with every step. He was panicking, his eyes darted back and forth betweeni me and ahead of him. He couldn't walk so he crawled away from me. I had to admit I enjoyed that, he was using one arm to drag him the other to try to stop the bleeding in his abdomen. 'Crawling like the pathetic bitch he s' A voice in my head whispered to me. I looked around but I couldn't see him. 'I am merely here to help you so listen' I didn't like this feeling inside of me, my heart was telling me no but my mind said otherwise. I went closer to Kiku slowly to drag it out. I didn't know why I did it but it felt good when I did. I stepped on him hard, I think I broke his leg even more but I didn't care. I loved these whimpers and cries he so wonderfully sang out to me. Suddenly as I was going to break his spine that same woman stabbed me and protected Kiku. Blood was everywhere. I realized that in my hand I had a heart, it beating still. That woman pulled out that piece of glass and forced me to look at it. I saw a monster, its eyes where cold and dead, it was soaked in blood, in one hand was a knife. That monster was me, I killed them all. I was in unbearable pain but I still got and walked to Kiku, he was dying very slowly. I moved the burned clothing off his chest and saw the gaping whole of where his heart should be. Where is it? There was a horrible taste in my mouth almost like blood. I felt horrible and tried to throw up. Once I had there was blood and meat dripping from my mouth. In that bloody mess was a color of blue so familiar. I searched for it and looked it. It was America, his eyes, such a beautiful blue. I wasn't sad or happy, I just laughed. I kept laughing until I died. That woman just stood there sobbing. I could have sworn I knew her. _

I can't eat anymore or do anything. I remember how exactly how I killed them all. America was the one I killed second to last. I loved the color of his eyes and I wanted them so I ripped them out. The rest were easy to kill because they never saw it coming. For China, I ripped him apart eating his organs raws savoring the taste of his blood He was beautiful inside and out. For Japan, I merely did the same he did. He ate me alive savoring my taste so I did the same. He begged me to stop like I had done before. I didn't and I ate him up until I was satisfied. I enjoyed seeing him so weak and him covered in a delicious juice. I wanted to see how much more he could take burning him, shoving random metal objects up his anal, and eating him alive. I enjoyed it when he cried I wanted more. I wanted to licked his blood off his body and hurt him even more.

I want to make him feel what I felt all those years he raped me raw. I was a virgin and he raped me repeatedly, passing me around, marking me, collaring me, making me his own little pleasure tool.

He will pay, and he will never see it coming.

* * *

A/N the next chapter might be slightly fluffy or smut. I made cannibalism a metaphor for rape. Thank you for still looking at this.


	3. Chapter 3

A/N I thank all of the people who faved and followed and reviewed. I'm sad to say that i'll be busy so I might not be able to type up as fast as I want to and I will be gone on a school trip (4 day 3 night trip). I will keep going but it will take time.

I might be able to type another thing up before I leave. If I can't then I will try to make two chapter when I come back to make it up.


	4. Chapter 4

South Korea P.O.V.

His eyes and his expression would seem so empty to stranger at a first glance, but when you look closer you can see something more. He has a child-like face with a glimpse of warmth in his eyes. He might not show at first but when he opens up he becomes kind, caring, and loyal to you. I feel the same heart pounding, breath taking feeling I get when I look at China or America with him. He comforted me in the nights I couldn't sleep. He protected me and I did the same back. His touch did something different to me. There was a odd warmth I felt when he was near and when he was gone I felt empty inside.

But this love is wrong, it is shunned. No one can know about these sinful feelings. Oddly enough, America was the one who showed me Christianity which points out how homosexuality is wrong yet I have such thoughts about America. The thing thats makes it worse is that he is my brother. I love him more than a normal brother. We were raised together around the same ageand grew up as best friends. He used to always smile and laugh with me but when he was taken away he changed. He never smiled and never showed emotion, almost like he was afraid to. He understood me and knows what it feels like to be betrayed by the ones you love.

When Japan took us both during WWII I needed to protect him no matter what, no matter what the consequences. In return he stayed with me at night (when Hyung was asleep) and comforted me. He was the one I trusted throughout the years for he never left me. He was the one who broke my mask so easily, all it took was one look and it shattered to pieces. He held me when I cried, comforted me when I had nightmares, and held my hand never letting go. I think I truly love him, more than my admiration for China and America. He was in my heart the whole time but I never noticed.

His name is Hong Kong and he stole my heart. But he will never know for if I tell him he will leave me in disgust and when he does, I think I truly will break to the point that I can never be put back together again. For now all my feeling and thoughts will remain in my heart until I disappear. For now, I will stay in by all of their sides never to reveal the love in my heart hoping one day I can set free all the words and feelings within my heart.

* * *

A/N I am a horrible person! I was so busy that I forgot for a bit and typed this up in a rush. I have been constantly setting it off because it is near the end of the school year and my teachers are piling it all up before the year ends so I have multiple exit projects due. I also lost some inspiration but gained it back when my friend talked to me about homosexuality being sin in Christianity. Unfortunately my friend is fighting with her mom about this so I have been busy with my friend also.

I AM SO SORRY FOR NOT PUTTING UP ANYTHING FOR THE PAST WEEK OR SO! PLEASE FORGIVE MY INACTIVITY AND STUPIDITY AND FORGETFULNESS.


End file.
